Diary Entry #26
This is the only happy ending I get
And I do not get this nostalgia I feel
For a place I’ve never been.
Diary Entry #27
Dead people on TV look so beautiful.
Diary Entry #28
Our hearts, they change so easily.
But never does it
Revert to what they once wore.
Diary Entry #29
Tarkovsky’s rain outside my window
Does not purify my soul; it only creates mud.
Diary Entry #30
I’m tired of whining about how hard
Things have been lately.
If no one sees me, am I still alive?
I am not.
Diary Entry #31
There is so much blood in my sink right now.
I cannot confront myself, and I cannot erase my sadness.
Everything I write is both a confession and an apology for never being enough.
Diary Entry #32
I have lost the number of hours I
Spent burying my face in a pillow
So no one sees me crying.
Diary Entry #33
I have abandoned dreams
Passion, people, and the little bit of happiness I had.
Diary Entry #34
The sky burned today
I did not burn with it.
I have once again spent the vast majority of my day
Waiting on someone who will never come back.
Diary Entry #35
The sensation that I have lost something
Lingered on for a long time after I woke up.
Diary Entry #36
My heart is not getting anywhere. It cannot.
The horrors that have been seared into my mind
Will never disappear.
Diary Entry #37
The stench that’s been lodged into my skin
Can never be scrubbed away.
Diary Entry #38
In this autumn forest
I can never stop the continuous howls inside my head
And all anyone feels about me is indifference.
Diary Entry #39
Why can anyone not see me?
Diary Entry #40
I do not want to outlive my constant need to write.
I do not know how to believe the house I wake up in is my home.
Diary Entry #41
Years spent at my parents’ feel like a foreign memory.
The light in the window,
Where my throat was filled with the silt of
All the grief I hold, which shone so blazingly
That it almost made life worth living.
Diary Entry #42
When I wake up in the morning, I find myself crying.
I saw my happiest moments in my dreams again.
Diary Entry #43
Tonight, I felt like everything would be fine.
I wish the very best to the people I have left behind,
I am better off where I am now.
Diary Entry #44
The lives I have loved crowd my dreams.
I have tried screaming in the shower.
Placing lavender plants near my window
Of course, I have tried placing my grief
In hibiscus coloured shelves like my mother wanted me to.
Diary Entry #45
My mother does not get how
Memory is the only home I have ever gotten.
She does not understand why I have drawn so many
Circles in my mirror
Just to avoid knowing what meeting my eyes feels like.
Diary Entry #46
The screams of never being enough.
Voices that loathe me for who I am,
I do not know how to be anyone else.
Diary Entry #47
My nightmares are made of jealousy, bias, anger and fear
Where everyone I hold close is constantly dragging me down.
Diary Entry #48
My hatred for everything is exhausting
It is not fair that I am burdened with the responsibility
Of predicting every decision
For the person I hate the most.
Goddamn, at least there is still something to hate.
Diary Entry #49
All I wish to be someone who is not me
Be in a place that is not this.
Diary Entry #50
I’m asking for too much of you
And it is tearing me apart.
Diary Entry #51
Come back now,
You have been away for far too long.
Diary Entry #52
Will I ever be forgiven?
For what life has made of me?
Diary Entry #53
Even a thousand years from now
I will still be waiting for you.
Diary Entry #54
Opiates, Grey Goose, and the darkness inside me that is my soul.
The darkness in me that will never heal.
Diary Entry #55
Every day, I am getting worse and worse.
Diary Entry #56
And this new desire to keep living is alien to me.
Diary Entry #57
I came out of the blue.
End.
This is not my place to gripe about it
Neither is it worth asserting my rights over it
I need to survive through this season
To see out this midsummer night’s dream
(It still is spring, is it not?)
Where life is precious, and I want to start over again
I still want to become who I want to be.