Lately, I find that I keep asking myself when is it okay to give up on trying to be a better person and just be who I am. I keep receding into a familiar gulch where I keep trying to identify all my shortcomings and get caught up in the facile attempt to try and fix them. Yet I have spent a large lump of the year looking for radical acceptance, how some of these shortcomings make up who I am, and there are no fixes or healing out of my personality.

My existence cannot be an ongoing struggle to improve, do better, or fix this or that about myself. For my part, I have always hoped to reach an apex in my life where I am satisfied with who I am and where I cannot win an argument against my own actions, my outlook on life, or anything about myself. When I become that person, growth will be just about impossible without shooting myself in the foot, And the only choice left in front of me will be who I am, unapologetically

This year has taught me that I cannot realistically be that person; I need to change aspects of myself. My definition of perfection will change as I grow, and it would be stupid not to change my goals accordingly. Even if being perfect is an unattainable dream, an ideal me in my own world will always exist. Even if my entire life ends up being a struggle to become the perfect me, striving towards that is the only way I will keep growing. Whether or not that struggle means much in the grand scheme of things, that’s how it goes. Not everyone reaches that self, but that does not mean I should give up and just mindlessly be.